During my therapist training, I learned not to judge the behaviour of others. Being judgemental in our therapist responses was seen as a definite "no no" in person-centred therapy, which is non-directive and offers "unconditional positive regard" (UPR). As I imagine you know through experience, the feeling of being judged by others can be very disturbing and frustrating. I have certainly experienced this, and yet I still sometimes hear my “inner judge” at work, passing judgement on the attitude or actions of others, admittedly not during therapy sessions. With time and curiosity, and enjoying the privilege of being my own boss (practicing private therapy), I have found I am less judgemental about judgement. I see it as the person's attempt to reinforce the values they see as important. I realised this as I reflected on my reaction to seeing parents on the bus, looking at their mobile phones whilst their babies or young children were crying. I remembered how I prided myself on always focusing on my own baby daughter as we travelled on the bus, playing "peek-a-boo" or singing songs like "The wheels on the bus" (with little regard for my unfortunate fellow passengers). This kept me safe in the knowledge I was a "good parent" and did not neglect my child. I realised that I was reinforcing my values of "selflessness" and "always caring for others who need help". Through upholding these values, I felt virtuous and good. As I looked around me and could see people who were "failing" at these values, I could feel better about myself. I also realised that these are my values and may not be shared by everyone else. Some values feel easier to hold, like "caring for others who need help" while others, like "selflessness" can be more challenging. Particularly as I think self-sacrifice was a value I absorbed through my upbringing, and not one I necessarily chose for myself. Either way, judgement imposes one's values on others, saying "I know better than you". But is this true? We may know our own values, adopted, or created through our own particular life experience, but we don't always know the needs and values of the other person we are judging. We can't truly know their experience and what they need, better than they do. Undoubtedly, they have their own reasons for their behaviour, which meets their needs. We just may not know what they are. And even if we did know their reasons, we may not accept them, due to a clash with our own values. I think, through judgement, we continually strive to reinforce our values, whenever possible, to alleviate negative feelings like guilt or shame or unworthiness. To make us feel like we are "good people", thereby meeting our own needs too. I imagine we are all just trying to feel better than we do, in that moment. Including the "virtuous" parent, and the parent just trying to get a few minutes break from their overwhelming responsibilities. Ps. I drafted this blog on my phone, whilst sitting on the toilet. I acknowledge this behaviour may elicit some judgement from the reader! ;)
